what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
