I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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