are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
