i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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