I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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