when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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