Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
