I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
