I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
