I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
