Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I want her autograph on my taint
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize