The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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