How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
