he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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