You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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