A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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