I showed him my bush... on skype.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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