He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
