we're blogging at a bar
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
