He is an equal opportunity slut.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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