Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize