You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm too high and old for this...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
