And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
