i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
