she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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