id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
