i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
