My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
