I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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