We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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