party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
