They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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