Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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