OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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