so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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