I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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