Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
