In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Boobs speak an international language.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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