He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
