I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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