my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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