Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
