hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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