I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
