Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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