Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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