woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
