I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
