There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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