if i can run in heels then i can drive
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i dont even know how to be here
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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