Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
it glows. i had to have it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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