I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
