ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
