I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
