between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
