dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
