I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
