I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
