I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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