If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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