I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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