oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
