I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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